My freebirth in January 2022 was the pinnacle of a conception and mothering journey that began several years ago.
Contents
If you want to skip straight to my birth story:
First Conception Journey
It all began during a big life transition when my husband and I decided to start a family and move back to Serbia from Canada. It took many shifts of perception, questioning everything, and a gradual change of consciousness that led to my wild pregnancy and the freebirth of our second child, our daughter Dunja (pronounced Dunya).
My wild mothering journey, my current work with herbal medicine, and our efforts to move to an old house in the Serbian mountainside is a magnificent continuation of that path that’s been full of synchronicities.
The conception journeys of both my son and daughter bring it all together. My son Ilija was born after a couple of months of trying to conceive, after landing on our ancestral land. Prior to that, I was faced with my own generationally-infused fear of infertility and stillbirth in one of the most intense and vivid dreams I have ever had. Of course, that dream was just an extension of the processing I was doing. Ilija was conceived in love but impatience at a crossroads of our life. I love his intense, fiery, sensitive being, as demanding as it may get at times.
My first birth (home birth with an independent midwife)
I’ve come a long way since my first pregnancy and home birth in 2020.
My first birth, which happened in the presence of an independent midwife, opened the doors for me. The doors of the perception of birth, you could say. I felt the power of birth, and I got a glimpse of what undisturbed birth may look like. My labor was 24 hours long, waters were open for 36h, my pushing phase took more than an hour and it was not spontaneous. The midwife assisted during emergence, but in the end, I still felt like I DID IT!
The chain was broken, the healing of my mother line and of own birth via a C-section began. My boy was born, in the morning after a May night filled with thunder and rain. His name came to me in labor, as it carries the symbology of an old Slavic thunder deity called Perun. The characteristics of Perun were later transfused onto St. Ilija (the equivalent of Elijah in English) in Serbia.
During that birth, I faced so many blockages and felt so much come to the surface. I got face it all and deal with my own overintellectualization, rationalization, my people-pleasing side, my fear of surrender and of losing control… and I found my real intuition and self deep down—underneath it all. And I realized that I needed much more of it.
It was hard, and it also gave me an unstoppable strength and it left me with many questions that I knew I would get the answers to only during my next birth. From that moment on, as I transitioned from maiden to mother, I found myself using my voice loudly and letting my heart guide me without needing anybody’s permission. I truly found and, most importantly, felt alignment and awe, something I had been missing for a while.
My First Postpartum & Entry Into Birth Work
My fascination with birth didn’t go away after my first birth. I felt like I needed to stay in the birth world, although I didn’t really know in what capacity. I wanted to be with women, I wanted to support natural birth, and I wanted to connect it all to herbs and holistic healing modalities.
So, I started doula training with a doula organization led by a herbalist. Some of it was useful and interesting, some of it didn’t sit with me. I got to read some great literature that expanded my knowledge of physiological birth and the history of obstetrics and midwifery. Also, I got to understand and get a feel of the doula industry and ideology from that course, since I was based in Serbia—and the doula industry is just starting out here. Deep down, I felt like the definition of the term birth doula didn’t resonate with what I wanted to do and how I wanted to call myself.
As I was going through this training while at the same time doing my own independent birth research, I slowly got disillusioned … and I began to see the truth. I was able to identify all the ways in which birth is disturbed and in which women are gaslit. I was faced with more of my own programming and conditioning. For example, my academic background is in pharmacy and clinical research. I spent the last 7 years de-learning most of what I was taught and seeing the medical-industrial complex for what it is.
My path was one of going from the brain to the mind and, then down to the uterus—only to finally reach the eyes and heart.
At the same time, I launched my own website and social media profile about physiological birth and herbal remedies in birth work—envisioned as a woman-centered database. I decided to call myself an herbal doula—a doula for herbs and a birthkeeper—a woman who supports other women through autonomous pregnancy and birth.
I was collecting birth stories and connecting with women in my community, and I was active on social media too. I started following people on instagram who talked about free birth, unassisted birth, undisturbed birth, wild pregnancy, all of it… and I felt that full-body, awe-filled YES.
Somewhere around coming to that realization, I got pregnant again.
Second Conception
Between giving birth and getting pregnant again, my husband and I found land with an old house we ended up buying and wanting to move to. Shortly before, around 9 months postpartum, we went hiking up a mountain that’s said to have mystical properties and a pyramid-like shape. The land we are moving to is on another mountain half an hour away that’s facing the pyramid-like mountain. I felt an incredible connection to the area, and I vaguely sensed the spirit of our next baby.
The night after hiking up to the top, I got my first postpartum bleed. I get chills even recalling the moment, as it was intense and I felt so many emotions come up that were healing my forgotten menarche. I really honored that bleed, perhaps for the first time in my life. I had only one more bleed afterward, and then I got pregnant.
It was only a year since my son was born.
My Wild Pregnancy
By the time I got pregnant, I was already set on having a wild pregnancy and freebirth. But the biggest change and inspiration happened once I started listening to the Freebirth Society Podcast. I listened to almost all the episodes, I started with the newest ones and went all the way back (I got to about 80%)… I think that was almost 300 stories. A true library of real women having physiological births.
I was determined and absolutely fascinated, and I got to feel confident in my body and in the whole real, wide range of physiological pregnancy and birth. I’m also a strong believer in the power of storytelling and that sharing birth stories is in our blood.
In my first pregnancy, I did do some exams. This time, I had a completely wild pregnancy. For me, that meant not seeing any doctors or doing any medical examinations or analyses. I only did one urine pregnancy test, the ones you get at wallmart. No other tests, no going to any medical professional.
The rest was doing my own prenatal care, which was all about actually taking care of myself through diet, herbs, and inner work. I was also adamant not to engage with an abusive system. My wild pregnancy journey helped me cultivate the trust and attunement I needed for my freebirth.
The Inner Work
The inner work was crucial, and it’ll be different for each woman and each pregnancy.
This time around, I was drawn to learning about matriarchal societies, blood mysteries, and all these magical and forgotten womanly arts and powers that are founded upon intuition and heart-based knowing. And that’s exactly what this pregnancy was for me. Letting my heart and gut lead me and de-learning what I thought I had “learned.”
I occasionally measured my fundal height and used a stethoscope for fun and experimentation. Amid it all, I felt like I was carrying a girl… and I wanted a girl. I would get the chills thinking that I may be continuing my matrilineage, getting the chance to teach my daughter about the cycles in nature and within us and to know the power of her blood and birthing capacities.
I also faced all my “what-ifs”—the what-ifs of pregnancy, labor, baby care, and early postpartum. I ran the scenarios in my head, I did my research, and I came to my decisions and conclusions. I was ready for everything, I shed all my expectations… I made peace. I was ready, and I fell kept falling back to my trust and intuition.
Deciding whether to do any exams
I was open to going in for a certain exam if I felt like I would benefit from the information it might provide or if I felt like something was wrong and getting it checked out might help me figure out what to do. So, I’m not anti-testing in pregnancy, but I believe it’s a choice that’s up to each woman. I also know that most doctors will tell you otherwise. If someone presents a test/exam as mandatory, that’s a big red flag.
My decision-making process looked like this:
I would ask myself why I might consider doing a certain test or exam, what information it could provide, whether I would want to know that information, and how accurate and how biased it might be, what impact it has on actual outcomes, and whether this mattered to me personally. I’d always wonder: who might profit off of recommending this test and how so?
The big question was always also: would I do anything differently by getting the results?
Then, I’d research: is there objective physical risk to running this exam and do we have enough safety information? Beyond that, what are the emotional and psychological effects it might have on me?
Will doing the test and getting the results change my feelings about the baby and myself, and if so, how?
Will interacting with the system and undergoing this test make me trust by own body and judgment of it less or more? Do I need any authority or technology to tell me whether something is ok or not, if I feel completely fine?
I would do my own research to find out, because you won’t get those answers at your doctor’s appointment, and you won’t find them on the first page of Google either.
In the end, you don’t have to have all the answers. On the contrary, it’s totally ok to make a decision just from your gut feeling. So, you can just go off of: Do I feel like I want to do this test or not?
It’s YOUR body. You take on the responsibility. As in life, so in pregnancy and birth. It really is that simple.
My freebirth story is in my next post. <3
The founder of Herbal Doula.
Home-birthing mama, independent scientist, natural pharmacist, doula, birthkeeper, and holistic health and birthrights advocate. Endlessly passionate about creating and sharing empowering health information and birth support. Ana has written 150+ and edited 800+ articles, some of which reached over 1 million people
Hey Ana,
I was wondering how you ended up getting a birth certificate?
Thank you!
Love from Bonaire
Hi Marit,
I will write a separate post about this, but it wasn’t a problem at all. I just went to a private ObGyn and pediatrician after birth, they wrote up what’s needed to register my baby at the municipality with two witnesses. It wasn’t a hassle, luckily. Love <3 Ana